HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles