like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.