She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
👾👾👾
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…