ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
that wasn’t the question
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet