“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.