“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”