[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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couldn’t resist
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.