I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
You Might Also Like
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.