*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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they really do be looking like this
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey