Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days