bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
welp
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times