Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other