*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Same pineapple, same
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.