LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.