this independent good boy don’t need no human
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Cat.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?