“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.