No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”