sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
R.I.P.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.