Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You Might Also Like
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I love you…
…r dog.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep