I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Hmmmmm
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.