Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.