“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.