My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.