I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.