New comic up. “Ransom”
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense