“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
No way!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Important reminders
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.