This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.