microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Cha-ching is my safe word
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.