I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa