I’m too immature for adultery.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there