Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
lmaaaaaooooooooo