What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks