Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”