People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
💻🤡