My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.