“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.