My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
#parenting
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think