I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
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In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
wut hotdog?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*