Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
August 8
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever