Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.