My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
dream blunt rotation
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My love language is deader than Latin
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
But I really needed water water water
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.