Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Don’t snitch tag.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…