“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.