I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
time machine? you mean a clock?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
she has a point
j o i m p
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*