All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!