My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
me
sigh
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
(Jupiter –
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal