Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
You Might Also Like
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
based al yankovic
My birthstone is kidney
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh