*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats