son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
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In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
incredible book dedication
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is