Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Somebody’s lying.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.